Dear Baby,

I am missing you so much. I was just trying to cry myself to sleep but it's not working, so even though it's almost 2 am, I decided I should just get up & at least let your daddy get some sleep. Today is two months since the day you were born. I don't know what to think of it. Usually a 2 month old is getting to the very best time (heck, it's always the best time)-they are recognizing your face, cooing, holding their heads up, starting to sleep through the night and giving you the most wonderful thing...their first smiles. It's one of my very favorite stages. You know, I don't want you to be there though. I want you to be where you're supposed to be-in my tummy, growing, getting stronger every day, growing your soft black curly (I imagined) hair, getting chubby, and kicking me like crazy. I would be entering the third trimester this week and just gearing up for all the fun to come. That's where I want you to be, sweet baby, still on your way, but I know that you are where you're supposed to be.

I've been sick the last week-really, really sick & in a lot of pain. I had to take some really strong pain pills but my heart still hurt. My heart still ached. My heart still felt like it was literally breaking. When does this hurt stop? People keep telling me it does. I've seen others that have lost their babies and they seem to be okay. I know I don't know what they are feeling, but I feel like I am aching so much more for you than they seem to be. The thing is that I know where you are. I know you are happy there. I know you are with the other sweet angels that I love so much, like your aunt and cousin. I know this, so why can't my happiness for you overcome the sadness I feel that you're not here with me?

You know what hurts the most? It's only been two months and no one wants to talk about you. Well, there's a few, so I shouldn't say no one. Your daddy will talk to me. Your brothers and sisters will talk to me. I have a couple of friends that will. But mostly everyone won't. I talked with a good friend today and brought you up at least five times. She changed the subject every time. Not once did she talk about you and it stung every time she changed the subject. You are my son. You are my sweet baby boy and I love you and I want to scream to the world that I miss you and love you and yet I feel I can't, because no one will listen. I feel so alone. It's when I feel this way though that I turn to my Heavenly Father. I don't feel Him much right now, but I know He's there. I know He's listening. Believe me, He's getting an earful. But I know He cares about me and He cares about you. He loves both of us and He understands how very, very much I love you. I think that is one of the greatest gifts of motherhood, that you can get a glimpse of how much our Heavenly Father loves His children. He has a plan for us, sweet baby Gabriel. That plan includes a lot of hurt, but it's our plan. You needed your body and you got it-that perfectly formed tiny body that I got to hold in my arms just two months ago. I am greatly anticipating the day I get to hold you in my arms again. I have to remind myself that I'm two months closer to that too. Happy 2nd month birthday, baby boy! I love you and miss you!!

Love you, love you, love you,

Mommy