Dear Baby Gabe, August 12, 2011

Today was your 1^st birthday. It was such a bittersweet day. We decided that we’d spend today remembering that you lived and touched our lives instead of focusing on the fact that you didn’t get to stay long with us. You stayed as long as you needed to because you were just so perfect you didn’t need to stay any longer to prove to our Heavenly Father that you would be a valiant follower of Him. You have left an impression on our hearts forever.

There’s a quote that makes me think of you often. It says,

“There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”

You have touched our lives and I know that you have touched others’ lives. We asked our friends and family to celebrate your birthday by doing an act of kindness in your remembrance. We thought this was the perfect gift to you on your first birthday. We know that you are working hard to serve others on the other side of the veil and we wanted to help you on this side. I am so thankful for those that followed through to touch someone else’s life by remembering yours.

We have been working as a family to create a garden for you, sweet boy. Since we didn’t bury you, we’ve ached for a place to go remember you. We decided to turn the space between the trees we planted for you into a garden that could be that place. We’ve worked hard and had many ups and downs, but we were finally able to finish your garden just in time for your birthday. It is a beautiful spot and exactly what we needed. We put a swing there so that our family could sit in that swing in the beautiful outdoors and think of you and hopefully sometimes feel you near. As we’ve worked on your garden, we’ve seen swarms of dragonflies, the symbol of you, all around us. It has been such an exciting thing for your brothers and sisters.

Today we took your brothers and sisters to Build-a-Bear and finally built you the bear you were meant to have brought to you when you were born. It’s a family tradition for us to do that. Since you don’t need a bear we thought that maybe a bear for everyone to hug when we wanted to hug you would be a wonderful tangible way to remember you. The kids picked out a light green panda bear…light green because it’s your color, the color of your birthstone. The bear is special because it supports environmental efforts and we can now submit your name to have a tree planted in your honor. It was absolutely the best bear they could’ve picked for you…one that pays it forward. The rest of the day your brothers and sisters have cuddled that bear and hugged it with all of the hugs they couldn’t give you today. You are very loved by all of them.

Tonight we had a party for you. Your brothers and sisters insisted on it. They wanted a big party with lots of people, so that’s what we did. The turnout was astounding! We were so amazed at the love that was shown to us and to you by all that came to celebrate you even if you weren’t there.

Your daddy said some amazing words that I wish I had recorded. He talked about the day that you were born and how he held you in his hands and was in awe of your precious little body. He encouraged those there to take time to look at the handprints and footprints, molds, and your tiny blanket you were wrapped in so that they could see how amazing it was to see such a perfect body that you were given. He talked about remembering those loved ones of all of ours that are on the other side but still a part of our lives. Everything he said was just perfect. That daddy of yours loves you very much.

Afterwards we all got balloons and sang Happy Birthday to you and then released the balloons and watched them float to the skies. There were so many…it was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes to know that many people were there in your honor. You are an amazing boy.We then had cake and ice cream and lots of fun just talking and playing and enjoying the beautiful summer evening. Summer will always be your season, sweet boy.

Today was perfect for as bittersweet as it was. We are so thankful that we could celebrate your life little Gabriel. We are so thankful that your life is forever a part of ours now. We are thankful that you are part of our family for eternity and that we know we’ll see you again someday and get to celebrate with you then. I love you more than I have words to say. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. Happy Birthday my sweet angel boy!

Love, Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep this up. Sometimes I'm not sure if this helps, sometimes I think it does. It's a nice way to remember you, but like I ever forget you. You are always on my mind. Your due date was 5 days ago and you were born 5 months ago tonight. I can't believe that I've survived these last 5 months or even these last 5 days. The pain of knowing now that if things had been different, you'd be here in my arms is excruciating. I wish I was just getting to know you, counting those beautiful fingers and toes of yours, seeing that distinctive arch in your foot, seeing who you looked like (would your high cheek bones still be there? I imagine you looking like your dad because of those), smelling you, nursing you, cuddling you, seeing your daddy's proud look as he held you, watching your brothers and sisters in awe of you, completely loving you. The only thing I can do of those still is love you and I am doing that, so intensely. I love you so very much my sweet baby.

Sometimes I wish that if you had to go that I had had just a few moments with you alive. Just a few moments to hold you and feel you breathe, to feel your warmth, and treasure you...just a few moments. At the same time, I feel so very blessed because I did know you, even if it was only while you were still in my womb. I knew your kicks. I knew your heaviness. I knew you for those few weeks that you kept me awake with those little nudges....when I knew I was never alone....and I'm so thankful that I knew to treasure them then. I thought you were our last baby, so every moment with you was treasured. I cherished that I could feel you so early and fall in love with you so intensely from the beginning. Even though it was just your body, I am so thankful that I did get to see you and feel you in my arms. I can still feel that tiny weight of yours as you fit so perfectly in my hand. What a blessing it is as a mother of baby loss, to have gotten to know you even a little bit.

On your due date, we sent you notes on balloons. Now, I know heaven is not above us, but really all around us, but I think it helped your sisters and brothers to get to send those skyward symbolically to you. Nick wrote: "I was so excited to meet you. I can't believe you're not coming." I have the same thoughts. It just doesn't seem believable that you are not here when you were so longed for, so wanted, and the anticipation of you brought so much joy to our family. It seems so cruel and unfair that I'll have this intense longing for you that never can be filled in this life. I can't wait for the day when I see you again and get to keep you and know you even more. Oh it can't come soon enough.

I love you baby boy. I know you know that. I know you're here with me on the hardest days. I wish I could feel you all of the time. Please keep watching over us every day and giving me those hugs I need so badly, even if I don't feel them. I miss you so very much. XOXO

Love,
Your mommy