Dear Baby Gabe,

I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep this up. Sometimes I'm not sure if this helps, sometimes I think it does. It's a nice way to remember you, but like I ever forget you. You are always on my mind. Your due date was 5 days ago and you were born 5 months ago tonight. I can't believe that I've survived these last 5 months or even these last 5 days. The pain of knowing now that if things had been different, you'd be here in my arms is excruciating. I wish I was just getting to know you, counting those beautiful fingers and toes of yours, seeing that distinctive arch in your foot, seeing who you looked like (would your high cheek bones still be there? I imagine you looking like your dad because of those), smelling you, nursing you, cuddling you, seeing your daddy's proud look as he held you, watching your brothers and sisters in awe of you, completely loving you. The only thing I can do of those still is love you and I am doing that, so intensely. I love you so very much my sweet baby.

Sometimes I wish that if you had to go that I had had just a few moments with you alive. Just a few moments to hold you and feel you breathe, to feel your warmth, and treasure you...just a few moments. At the same time, I feel so very blessed because I did know you, even if it was only while you were still in my womb. I knew your kicks. I knew your heaviness. I knew you for those few weeks that you kept me awake with those little nudges....when I knew I was never alone....and I'm so thankful that I knew to treasure them then. I thought you were our last baby, so every moment with you was treasured. I cherished that I could feel you so early and fall in love with you so intensely from the beginning. Even though it was just your body, I am so thankful that I did get to see you and feel you in my arms. I can still feel that tiny weight of yours as you fit so perfectly in my hand. What a blessing it is as a mother of baby loss, to have gotten to know you even a little bit.

On your due date, we sent you notes on balloons. Now, I know heaven is not above us, but really all around us, but I think it helped your sisters and brothers to get to send those skyward symbolically to you. Nick wrote: "I was so excited to meet you. I can't believe you're not coming." I have the same thoughts. It just doesn't seem believable that you are not here when you were so longed for, so wanted, and the anticipation of you brought so much joy to our family. It seems so cruel and unfair that I'll have this intense longing for you that never can be filled in this life. I can't wait for the day when I see you again and get to keep you and know you even more. Oh it can't come soon enough.

I love you baby boy. I know you know that. I know you're here with me on the hardest days. I wish I could feel you all of the time. Please keep watching over us every day and giving me those hugs I need so badly, even if I don't feel them. I miss you so very much. XOXO

Love,
Your mommy