Dear Baby Gabe,
Today I went to the temple, all by myself, for the very first time...ever. Daddy always has gone with me in the past but I had a whole morning off while a friend watched your brother and sister and I knew it was where I needed to go. I'm having a hard time going to church these days and I don't feel much of the spirit when I go because I'm so overwhelmed with sorrow. I needed to have some peace today and the temple is the best place for that. I felt peace. I wish I could feel you by my side and I hope that if I go there that maybe I will some time.
I am so thankful for my testimony of the gospel. I know it's true. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that because of His atonement, that someday I will get to be with you. Without it, I would never be worthy enough to be with someone as perfect as you, my sweet boy. That's the reason I go to church, because as much as it hurts to be there, I know I have to do the hard things to be with you again. This last week was so hard. I came in to sit down in the chapel and right then I realized that there, in the row behind us, was a sweet little baby boy, all dressed in white, ready to be blessed. I wasn't prepared for it because it wasn't Fast Sunday. I immediately started to cry. I just couldn't handle it. My heart was literally aching and my head was pounding the entire meeting. In the last week or so, the baby boom that you were supposed to be born in has started. All of these babies that I had pictured you being friends with are making their debuts. I think there was supposed to be around 8 born between now and the time you're born. It's just so hard to be around them when I know you won't be joining them. It will be hard watching them grow up and seeing all the things they'll do and you won't. Sometimes I just want to pick up and move so I don't have to watch them and ache for you, but I know I'll still ache for you. I'm going to miss you so much until I see you again.
Today is your sister, Skylar's, birthday. She's turning 9. I can't believe it. I remember when Mommy & Daddy were trying so hard to have a baby and Skylar was just not coming! Heavenly Father had a plan for her too and she needed to be born when she was born but it was so frustrating. I remember looking at pregnant people then and just aching to be a mom. It's a different ache now. Now I know what I'm missing when I don't get to be your mom here on earth. Now I'm not just aching for any baby, I'm aching for my precious little Gabriel, who I came to love so much in those few weeks that we spent every minute together. I love you forever, sweet baby boy.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Dear Baby Gabe,
This is your mommy. I miss you so, so much. I am thinking all day, every day about you. I read that maybe writing to you would help me to get through the enormous grief I feel now that you are with Heavenly Father and no longer with me. So, here we go. I guess I'll try it. I've thought about how I'd do this and decided to just put it on a blog, which for now I'll keep public, but that may change later. Some people tell me that reading about you has really helped them, so maybe this will too and maybe that will help me, but I guess I'll see how it goes.
I taught Joy school today. I'm not sure if I was ready, but I wanted to do it. I have to do things that keep me going or I just sit and miss you. I love Joy school too and love that I've been able to teach your brothers and sister about the joys we have in this world. I would've loved for you to be in Joy school too when it came your turn. I wish you could have experienced and known about the joys of this world, but I've heard that you know already. I've heard you're here, by my side, and so I guess you're able to see them too, but you probably have a much greater understanding than me. We learned about the joy of the Earth today, which is one of my very favorite joys. Thinking about this joy has helped me get through many days since you died. Whenever I see something in nature that is amazingly beautiful, I imagine how much more beautiful it is where you are and that makes me so happy for you.
I had a few minutes by myself today while Daddy drove home the other kids from Nick's soccer game and I drove his car. I used it to cry-the really, really hard cry that I reserve for when no one is around. I don't mind crying in front of the kids because I want them to know it's okay to miss you, but I save that really hard crying for when they aren't around because it even kind of scares me. But I needed to have a good cry, especially after sitting next to a pregnant lady and brand new itsy bitsy newborn at Nick's game. It's torture to have to do that. I just wish so much that you were still there in my belly and that seeing newborns reminded me of how much I had to look forward to when you came. I know I will see you again, but for now I miss you, my sweet baby boy, every second, every minute, and the waiting makes me ache. I love you so, so much.
Love,
Mommy
This is your mommy. I miss you so, so much. I am thinking all day, every day about you. I read that maybe writing to you would help me to get through the enormous grief I feel now that you are with Heavenly Father and no longer with me. So, here we go. I guess I'll try it. I've thought about how I'd do this and decided to just put it on a blog, which for now I'll keep public, but that may change later. Some people tell me that reading about you has really helped them, so maybe this will too and maybe that will help me, but I guess I'll see how it goes.
I taught Joy school today. I'm not sure if I was ready, but I wanted to do it. I have to do things that keep me going or I just sit and miss you. I love Joy school too and love that I've been able to teach your brothers and sister about the joys we have in this world. I would've loved for you to be in Joy school too when it came your turn. I wish you could have experienced and known about the joys of this world, but I've heard that you know already. I've heard you're here, by my side, and so I guess you're able to see them too, but you probably have a much greater understanding than me. We learned about the joy of the Earth today, which is one of my very favorite joys. Thinking about this joy has helped me get through many days since you died. Whenever I see something in nature that is amazingly beautiful, I imagine how much more beautiful it is where you are and that makes me so happy for you.
I had a few minutes by myself today while Daddy drove home the other kids from Nick's soccer game and I drove his car. I used it to cry-the really, really hard cry that I reserve for when no one is around. I don't mind crying in front of the kids because I want them to know it's okay to miss you, but I save that really hard crying for when they aren't around because it even kind of scares me. But I needed to have a good cry, especially after sitting next to a pregnant lady and brand new itsy bitsy newborn at Nick's game. It's torture to have to do that. I just wish so much that you were still there in my belly and that seeing newborns reminded me of how much I had to look forward to when you came. I know I will see you again, but for now I miss you, my sweet baby boy, every second, every minute, and the waiting makes me ache. I love you so, so much.
Love,
Mommy
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