Dear Baby Gabe,

This is your mommy. I miss you so, so much. I am thinking all day, every day about you. I read that maybe writing to you would help me to get through the enormous grief I feel now that you are with Heavenly Father and no longer with me. So, here we go. I guess I'll try it. I've thought about how I'd do this and decided to just put it on a blog, which for now I'll keep public, but that may change later. Some people tell me that reading about you has really helped them, so maybe this will too and maybe that will help me, but I guess I'll see how it goes.

I taught Joy school today. I'm not sure if I was ready, but I wanted to do it. I have to do things that keep me going or I just sit and miss you. I love Joy school too and love that I've been able to teach your brothers and sister about the joys we have in this world. I would've loved for you to be in Joy school too when it came your turn. I wish you could have experienced and known about the joys of this world, but I've heard that you know already. I've heard you're here, by my side, and so I guess you're able to see them too, but you probably have a much greater understanding than me. We learned about the joy of the Earth today, which is one of my very favorite joys. Thinking about this joy has helped me get through many days since you died. Whenever I see something in nature that is amazingly beautiful, I imagine how much more beautiful it is where you are and that makes me so happy for you.

I had a few minutes by myself today while Daddy drove home the other kids from Nick's soccer game and I drove his car. I used it to cry-the really, really hard cry that I reserve for when no one is around. I don't mind crying in front of the kids because I want them to know it's okay to miss you, but I save that really hard crying for when they aren't around because it even kind of scares me. But I needed to have a good cry, especially after sitting next to a pregnant lady and brand new itsy bitsy newborn at Nick's game. It's torture to have to do that. I just wish so much that you were still there in my belly and that seeing newborns reminded me of how much I had to look forward to when you came. I know I will see you again, but for now I miss you, my sweet baby boy, every second, every minute, and the waiting makes me ache. I love you so, so much.

Love,
Mommy