Dear Baby Gabe,
Today, I've missed you incredibly. It's funny how it hits like that. The last week has been okay and it was really helpful for us to remember you. On Worldwide Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day we picked out some trees for you and lit a candle to remember you. It made me feel good to finally do something for you. I guess since we didn't bury you, it's been hard to think that we've honored your little life much. I'm so sorry baby. I feel guilty about it all of the time. I have wanted to do something that seemed right. Planting those trees seemed right. It has already brought me great comfort to look out the window at them and think of you. It's made me actually want to open the window when I haven't wanted to do that for months.
Last night we were working on an 'About Me' project for Kade and looking through his old baby pictures. It literally made my arms ache for you seeing how much he's grown up and knowing you wouldn't be coming right along behind. I was so excited to have a baby boy again. It seems like Nick's and Kade's baby days are so blended and I felt so frazzled that I didn't get a chance to savor their boyness. I love my girls but I've always wanted lots of boys. I really was looking forward to just loving every minute of it with you. I knew from the very beginning that you'd be a boy. I've never felt that so much when I was pregnant with your sisters and brothers. Maybe it was so that I could know you sooner since I wouldn't have you as long. I like to think that Heavenly Father gave that knowledge as a gift to help me bond instantly with you and know you were meant to be mine.
I've been struggling with that knowledge-knowing you were supposed to be ours. Out of all of our children, you were the one that we had to actually make a decision of whether we'd have you and add another baby to our family. We had always planned on having at least 4 kids so the first 4 were just a given because they were part of the plan. We were always open to more though and when we started feeling like we wanted another in our family, we had to really decide if it was right and part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. We really pondered and prayed and felt it was. We felt you were supposed to join us and then when you did, we felt like everything was going just as it needed to. You were supposed to be a part of our family. I know you still are, but it just seems so unfair that you're not here when we felt so much like you were supposed to be with us, here, now. I don't understand it at all and pray that someday I'll get all of the answers.
So tonight I've been missing you, especially physically. I've been feeling all sorts of empty, even when I have your brothers and sisters here. I know I should be grateful that I have them and I am, but at the same time, I want you so badly that the empty feeling doesn't go away. It's just not you that I have, here kicking away in my belly, like you're supposed to be doing. I miss your kicks. I miss your heaviness. I miss all the yuckiness that meant you were on your way. I just miss you baby boy, so, so much.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Monday, October 18, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Dear Baby,
I am missing you so much. I was just trying to cry myself to sleep but it's not working, so even though it's almost 2 am, I decided I should just get up & at least let your daddy get some sleep. Today is two months since the day you were born. I don't know what to think of it. Usually a 2 month old is getting to the very best time (heck, it's always the best time)-they are recognizing your face, cooing, holding their heads up, starting to sleep through the night and giving you the most wonderful thing...their first smiles. It's one of my very favorite stages. You know, I don't want you to be there though. I want you to be where you're supposed to be-in my tummy, growing, getting stronger every day, growing your soft black curly (I imagined) hair, getting chubby, and kicking me like crazy. I would be entering the third trimester this week and just gearing up for all the fun to come. That's where I want you to be, sweet baby, still on your way, but I know that you are where you're supposed to be.
I've been sick the last week-really, really sick & in a lot of pain. I had to take some really strong pain pills but my heart still hurt. My heart still ached. My heart still felt like it was literally breaking. When does this hurt stop? People keep telling me it does. I've seen others that have lost their babies and they seem to be okay. I know I don't know what they are feeling, but I feel like I am aching so much more for you than they seem to be. The thing is that I know where you are. I know you are happy there. I know you are with the other sweet angels that I love so much, like your aunt and cousin. I know this, so why can't my happiness for you overcome the sadness I feel that you're not here with me?
You know what hurts the most? It's only been two months and no one wants to talk about you. Well, there's a few, so I shouldn't say no one. Your daddy will talk to me. Your brothers and sisters will talk to me. I have a couple of friends that will. But mostly everyone won't. I talked with a good friend today and brought you up at least five times. She changed the subject every time. Not once did she talk about you and it stung every time she changed the subject. You are my son. You are my sweet baby boy and I love you and I want to scream to the world that I miss you and love you and yet I feel I can't, because no one will listen. I feel so alone. It's when I feel this way though that I turn to my Heavenly Father. I don't feel Him much right now, but I know He's there. I know He's listening. Believe me, He's getting an earful. But I know He cares about me and He cares about you. He loves both of us and He understands how very, very much I love you. I think that is one of the greatest gifts of motherhood, that you can get a glimpse of how much our Heavenly Father loves His children. He has a plan for us, sweet baby Gabriel. That plan includes a lot of hurt, but it's our plan. You needed your body and you got it-that perfectly formed tiny body that I got to hold in my arms just two months ago. I am greatly anticipating the day I get to hold you in my arms again. I have to remind myself that I'm two months closer to that too. Happy 2nd month birthday, baby boy! I love you and miss you!!
Love you, love you, love you,
Mommy
I am missing you so much. I was just trying to cry myself to sleep but it's not working, so even though it's almost 2 am, I decided I should just get up & at least let your daddy get some sleep. Today is two months since the day you were born. I don't know what to think of it. Usually a 2 month old is getting to the very best time (heck, it's always the best time)-they are recognizing your face, cooing, holding their heads up, starting to sleep through the night and giving you the most wonderful thing...their first smiles. It's one of my very favorite stages. You know, I don't want you to be there though. I want you to be where you're supposed to be-in my tummy, growing, getting stronger every day, growing your soft black curly (I imagined) hair, getting chubby, and kicking me like crazy. I would be entering the third trimester this week and just gearing up for all the fun to come. That's where I want you to be, sweet baby, still on your way, but I know that you are where you're supposed to be.
I've been sick the last week-really, really sick & in a lot of pain. I had to take some really strong pain pills but my heart still hurt. My heart still ached. My heart still felt like it was literally breaking. When does this hurt stop? People keep telling me it does. I've seen others that have lost their babies and they seem to be okay. I know I don't know what they are feeling, but I feel like I am aching so much more for you than they seem to be. The thing is that I know where you are. I know you are happy there. I know you are with the other sweet angels that I love so much, like your aunt and cousin. I know this, so why can't my happiness for you overcome the sadness I feel that you're not here with me?
You know what hurts the most? It's only been two months and no one wants to talk about you. Well, there's a few, so I shouldn't say no one. Your daddy will talk to me. Your brothers and sisters will talk to me. I have a couple of friends that will. But mostly everyone won't. I talked with a good friend today and brought you up at least five times. She changed the subject every time. Not once did she talk about you and it stung every time she changed the subject. You are my son. You are my sweet baby boy and I love you and I want to scream to the world that I miss you and love you and yet I feel I can't, because no one will listen. I feel so alone. It's when I feel this way though that I turn to my Heavenly Father. I don't feel Him much right now, but I know He's there. I know He's listening. Believe me, He's getting an earful. But I know He cares about me and He cares about you. He loves both of us and He understands how very, very much I love you. I think that is one of the greatest gifts of motherhood, that you can get a glimpse of how much our Heavenly Father loves His children. He has a plan for us, sweet baby Gabriel. That plan includes a lot of hurt, but it's our plan. You needed your body and you got it-that perfectly formed tiny body that I got to hold in my arms just two months ago. I am greatly anticipating the day I get to hold you in my arms again. I have to remind myself that I'm two months closer to that too. Happy 2nd month birthday, baby boy! I love you and miss you!!
Love you, love you, love you,
Mommy
Monday, October 4, 2010
Dear Baby Gabe,
It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that you had returned to live with our Heavenly Father. It's a day I'll never forget-8/9/10. That morning when your sister, Skylar, saw the date she remarked about what a neat date is was. I told it would be so cool to be born that day and remarked that maybe something cool would happen that day that we'd remember. A few hours later, as the Dr. searched for your heartbeat, the date and that conversation kept pounding in my head. I didn't want to remember that date as the one that my world came crashing down, but now I always will. I don't think life will ever be the same having gone through such immense a loss as you, my sweet baby. I miss you so, so much.
I've been thinking a lot about dates about you. I know the day I found out about you and heard your heartbeat for the first time, the day we found out you died, and the day your lifeless body was born, but I often wonder what day you actually died. The Dr. was never able to give me a definitive answer to the day you died, only that you were probably somewhere in the 16th week and you had been dead over a week once you were born at 19 weeks. I've been trying so hard to remember the last time I felt you move but I can't pinpoint a day. The night before we found out that you died, both Daddy and I were talking about you and he was holding onto my tummy and we both thought we felt you kick. I felt it and knew the feeling but Daddy was the one that commented on it. It was the first time he had felt you and we were both excited. But then the next day you were gone and the ultrasound said you had already been gone for awhile. I've been so confused about that. I remember my mom had always told me that she felt your Aunt Mary Gwen moving the day before she was born still, but the Drs had told her that she had also been dead for awhile. It doesn't make any sense and it makes me wonder if it's possible for your spirit to go back in your body for just one last kick, maybe like a goodbye kick. It sounds completely crazy, I know, but it really makes me wonder and I wish I could ask you.
I miss those little flutters and kicks from you, little one. It made me so happy to feel you moving in my tummy. I felt you pretty early, especially since you're my fifth and I knew what it felt like, and for that I am so thankful. It gave me more time to connect and bond with you. It gave me more time to feel your busy little body moving away. It gave me many happy days feeling you always with me. I remember the first day we heard your heartbeat and you were moving all over the place. You were busy. I imagine that's how you are now-busy. Busy doing the Lord's work on the other side of the veil, where you were needed more than you were needed here, as much as I miss you and need you too. You will always be a part of me though. There's a place in my heart that is holding you here with me now and forever. I love you, my sweet, precious boy. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy.
Lots and lots of love,
Mommy
It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that you had returned to live with our Heavenly Father. It's a day I'll never forget-8/9/10. That morning when your sister, Skylar, saw the date she remarked about what a neat date is was. I told it would be so cool to be born that day and remarked that maybe something cool would happen that day that we'd remember. A few hours later, as the Dr. searched for your heartbeat, the date and that conversation kept pounding in my head. I didn't want to remember that date as the one that my world came crashing down, but now I always will. I don't think life will ever be the same having gone through such immense a loss as you, my sweet baby. I miss you so, so much.
I've been thinking a lot about dates about you. I know the day I found out about you and heard your heartbeat for the first time, the day we found out you died, and the day your lifeless body was born, but I often wonder what day you actually died. The Dr. was never able to give me a definitive answer to the day you died, only that you were probably somewhere in the 16th week and you had been dead over a week once you were born at 19 weeks. I've been trying so hard to remember the last time I felt you move but I can't pinpoint a day. The night before we found out that you died, both Daddy and I were talking about you and he was holding onto my tummy and we both thought we felt you kick. I felt it and knew the feeling but Daddy was the one that commented on it. It was the first time he had felt you and we were both excited. But then the next day you were gone and the ultrasound said you had already been gone for awhile. I've been so confused about that. I remember my mom had always told me that she felt your Aunt Mary Gwen moving the day before she was born still, but the Drs had told her that she had also been dead for awhile. It doesn't make any sense and it makes me wonder if it's possible for your spirit to go back in your body for just one last kick, maybe like a goodbye kick. It sounds completely crazy, I know, but it really makes me wonder and I wish I could ask you.
I miss those little flutters and kicks from you, little one. It made me so happy to feel you moving in my tummy. I felt you pretty early, especially since you're my fifth and I knew what it felt like, and for that I am so thankful. It gave me more time to connect and bond with you. It gave me more time to feel your busy little body moving away. It gave me many happy days feeling you always with me. I remember the first day we heard your heartbeat and you were moving all over the place. You were busy. I imagine that's how you are now-busy. Busy doing the Lord's work on the other side of the veil, where you were needed more than you were needed here, as much as I miss you and need you too. You will always be a part of me though. There's a place in my heart that is holding you here with me now and forever. I love you, my sweet, precious boy. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy.
Lots and lots of love,
Mommy
Friday, October 1, 2010
Dear Baby Gabe,
Daddy & I had an awful night last night. I don't want to complain anymore because it just doesn't help, but let's just say we were miserable with the stupid things we have to go through sometimes. I could sit all day and complain and yet I'll still have to experience all of these mortal things on a day to day basis. I wish that I could just complain to Heavenly Father and that He'd make them stop or just give us a break for a bit from them. But He doesn't work that way and complaining won't stop them, even though it feels good to get things off my chest sometimes. I was thinking today about all the awful that we continually face in this life and it made me so grateful that you don't have to ever do this.
There's a song by Ben Folds that talks about how awful it is to grow up and how as parents we have to watch our poor kids suffer through the hardships of it, knowing that it will get worse. It's so hard, as a parent, to see your children in pain. Today Nick told me of some girls at recess that just kept teasing him. Now I know that girls that tease at that age just probably want his attention because he's so darn cute, but he doesn't know that. All he knows is that they won't stop bugging him. It made me sad to talk about how frustrated he was. I wish I could protect him from all the frustrations and pains he will face, but I can't. All I can do is to teach him to do his best and to treat others with kindness. He will have pain, even sometimes severe heart-wrenching pain, and that's just a part of this growth process we call life.
You my sweet boy, will not have this. You were too perfect to have to face these trials and pains. You didn't need them to grow into the wonderful spirit that you are. If a mother could ever give a gift to their child it would be that they wouldn't feel pain and so, even though I miss you, I am so glad I could help in giving you your physical body so you could move on without pain. You don't have to ever feel it again. I sometimes wonder if it hurt when you died. Your cord was so twisted when we saw it. Was it slow and painful for you? My heart hurts to think of you so tiny and innocent and hurting and I hope that it wasn't like that. I also wonder if it hurts for you to not have had this earthly life. Do you wish you had or did you choose to make it brief so you could get back to your work there in heaven? I have so many questions for you little boy. I can't wait to meet you again and just see how truly amazing you are. I love you, my precious baby.
Love,
Mommy
Daddy & I had an awful night last night. I don't want to complain anymore because it just doesn't help, but let's just say we were miserable with the stupid things we have to go through sometimes. I could sit all day and complain and yet I'll still have to experience all of these mortal things on a day to day basis. I wish that I could just complain to Heavenly Father and that He'd make them stop or just give us a break for a bit from them. But He doesn't work that way and complaining won't stop them, even though it feels good to get things off my chest sometimes. I was thinking today about all the awful that we continually face in this life and it made me so grateful that you don't have to ever do this.
There's a song by Ben Folds that talks about how awful it is to grow up and how as parents we have to watch our poor kids suffer through the hardships of it, knowing that it will get worse. It's so hard, as a parent, to see your children in pain. Today Nick told me of some girls at recess that just kept teasing him. Now I know that girls that tease at that age just probably want his attention because he's so darn cute, but he doesn't know that. All he knows is that they won't stop bugging him. It made me sad to talk about how frustrated he was. I wish I could protect him from all the frustrations and pains he will face, but I can't. All I can do is to teach him to do his best and to treat others with kindness. He will have pain, even sometimes severe heart-wrenching pain, and that's just a part of this growth process we call life.
You my sweet boy, will not have this. You were too perfect to have to face these trials and pains. You didn't need them to grow into the wonderful spirit that you are. If a mother could ever give a gift to their child it would be that they wouldn't feel pain and so, even though I miss you, I am so glad I could help in giving you your physical body so you could move on without pain. You don't have to ever feel it again. I sometimes wonder if it hurt when you died. Your cord was so twisted when we saw it. Was it slow and painful for you? My heart hurts to think of you so tiny and innocent and hurting and I hope that it wasn't like that. I also wonder if it hurts for you to not have had this earthly life. Do you wish you had or did you choose to make it brief so you could get back to your work there in heaven? I have so many questions for you little boy. I can't wait to meet you again and just see how truly amazing you are. I love you, my precious baby.
Love,
Mommy
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