Dear Baby Gabe,

It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that you had returned to live with our Heavenly Father. It's a day I'll never forget-8/9/10. That morning when your sister, Skylar, saw the date she remarked about what a neat date is was. I told it would be so cool to be born that day and remarked that maybe something cool would happen that day that we'd remember. A few hours later, as the Dr. searched for your heartbeat, the date and that conversation kept pounding in my head. I didn't want to remember that date as the one that my world came crashing down, but now I always will. I don't think life will ever be the same having gone through such immense a loss as you, my sweet baby. I miss you so, so much.

I've been thinking a lot about dates about you. I know the day I found out about you and heard your heartbeat for the first time, the day we found out you died, and the day your lifeless body was born, but I often wonder what day you actually died. The Dr. was never able to give me a definitive answer to the day you died, only that you were probably somewhere in the 16th week and you had been dead over a week once you were born at 19 weeks. I've been trying so hard to remember the last time I felt you move but I can't pinpoint a day. The night before we found out that you died, both Daddy and I were talking about you and he was holding onto my tummy and we both thought we felt you kick. I felt it and knew the feeling but Daddy was the one that commented on it. It was the first time he had felt you and we were both excited. But then the next day you were gone and the ultrasound said you had already been gone for awhile. I've been so confused about that. I remember my mom had always told me that she felt your Aunt Mary Gwen moving the day before she was born still, but the Drs had told her that she had also been dead for awhile. It doesn't make any sense and it makes me wonder if it's possible for your spirit to go back in your body for just one last kick, maybe like a goodbye kick. It sounds completely crazy, I know, but it really makes me wonder and I wish I could ask you.

I miss those little flutters and kicks from you, little one. It made me so happy to feel you moving in my tummy. I felt you pretty early, especially since you're my fifth and I knew what it felt like, and for that I am so thankful. It gave me more time to connect and bond with you. It gave me more time to feel your busy little body moving away. It gave me many happy days feeling you always with me. I remember the first day we heard your heartbeat and you were moving all over the place. You were busy. I imagine that's how you are now-busy. Busy doing the Lord's work on the other side of the veil, where you were needed more than you were needed here, as much as I miss you and need you too. You will always be a part of me though. There's a place in my heart that is holding you here with me now and forever. I love you, my sweet, precious boy. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy.

Lots and lots of love,
Mommy