Dear Baby Gabe,

Today, I've missed you incredibly. It's funny how it hits like that. The last week has been okay and it was really helpful for us to remember you. On Worldwide Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day we picked out some trees for you and lit a candle to remember you. It made me feel good to finally do something for you. I guess since we didn't bury you, it's been hard to think that we've honored your little life much. I'm so sorry baby. I feel guilty about it all of the time. I have wanted to do something that seemed right. Planting those trees seemed right. It has already brought me great comfort to look out the window at them and think of you. It's made me actually want to open the window when I haven't wanted to do that for months.

Last night we were working on an 'About Me' project for Kade and looking through his old baby pictures. It literally made my arms ache for you seeing how much he's grown up and knowing you wouldn't be coming right along behind. I was so excited to have a baby boy again. It seems like Nick's and Kade's baby days are so blended and I felt so frazzled that I didn't get a chance to savor their boyness. I love my girls but I've always wanted lots of boys. I really was looking forward to just loving every minute of it with you. I knew from the very beginning that you'd be a boy. I've never felt that so much when I was pregnant with your sisters and brothers. Maybe it was so that I could know you sooner since I wouldn't have you as long. I like to think that Heavenly Father gave that knowledge as a gift to help me bond instantly with you and know you were meant to be mine.

I've been struggling with that knowledge-knowing you were supposed to be ours. Out of all of our children, you were the one that we had to actually make a decision of whether we'd have you and add another baby to our family. We had always planned on having at least 4 kids so the first 4 were just a given because they were part of the plan. We were always open to more though and when we started feeling like we wanted another in our family, we had to really decide if it was right and part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. We really pondered and prayed and felt it was. We felt you were supposed to join us and then when you did, we felt like everything was going just as it needed to. You were supposed to be a part of our family. I know you still are, but it just seems so unfair that you're not here when we felt so much like you were supposed to be with us, here, now. I don't understand it at all and pray that someday I'll get all of the answers.

So tonight I've been missing you, especially physically. I've been feeling all sorts of empty, even when I have your brothers and sisters here. I know I should be grateful that I have them and I am, but at the same time, I want you so badly that the empty feeling doesn't go away. It's just not you that I have, here kicking away in my belly, like you're supposed to be doing. I miss your kicks. I miss your heaviness. I miss all the yuckiness that meant you were on your way. I just miss you baby boy, so, so much.

Love you forever,
Mommy