Dear Baby Gabe,

I've been missing you, like always. It's been a rough couple of weeks, hitting the 3 month mark, and all. I've been wanting to write but I've just been feeling so tired again. I've been sick again too. I guess that's a grief thing. I seem to pick up every little bug these days. I just don't feel like I have the energy to fight things off anymore. I don't have the energy to do much, but I'm trying.

Three months was a hard one. I had read it was. It's the time when other people stop thinking about you. I feel like everyone just assumes that I've moved on, that I'm okay. That just because I can function these days, it means that everything is back to normal. Someone actually said to me the other day, "You're still depressed about this?" OH! MY! GOSH! Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? My baby that I should still have in my womb is now gone. Why wouldn't I still be depressed about that? Your due date hasn't even come and yet people expect me to be over this. Well, I'm not. I am still sad, sweet baby. I'm still depressed and devastated and traumatized. I still ache for you every minute and I just know I'm going to have that aching for you every day of my life. I will love you every day of my life so I will miss you every day of my life. That is totally okay with me. I love you so much and will never forget you.

I have decided something in this last month. I've decided that I don't want to just be sad all of the time. I really want to heal from this, but it's kind of up to me to do it. I know that's what you'd want, baby, for me to find a way back to happiness again. The other day I did something that people have been telling me to do...I held a newborn baby. Oh, it was so hard, but so good at the same time. You were the last newborn baby that I held, and I hated to let that go. The baby I held was a rainbow baby, a baby that had been born after two miscarriages. I felt that it was the perfect baby for me to hold, and it was. He brought me hope knowing how happy I could see his mommy finally with a baby in her arms after having such sadness. I hope that I can feel happy again like that someday. I wonder if you're in heaven right now preparing your little brother or sister to come to join our family. We're hoping and praying for that. We'll always, always miss you, baby boy, but know that another baby will help us find some happiness again.

I did something else that was a big step for me. I shared my pictures of you on my other blog (I'll do it here too). Well, one picture of you. That picture with your perfect tiny little feet. That's the picture of you that I love. It reminds me of just how wonderful it was to hold you in my arms, even if it was just your body, and your sweet spirit was already gone. I've been looking for the perfect frame to put that picture in. I also shared your tiny little handprints and footprints. They are so sweet, little one. I love the little unique ridges in them that show how perfectly special and unique you are. I ordered a necklace for myself with them on it. I was hesitant to do this because I thought it may make other people uncomfortable to see me wearing it. But I don't care if it does, because having something symbolic of you close to me brings me comfort.

I've also been trying this month to feel gratitude. We have our little thankful tree that we write down everybody's thankful for the day and put on our tree. It's been good for our family to remember all of the things we're thankful for, especially when we're missing you. Every day, Alexis's first answer is babies. She is so thankful for babies. It breaks my heart a little each day knowing that she doesn't get to have her little brother here, but we are thankful that you are still a part of our family. Everyone has put you on the tree, sweet baby. You are so loved. We are so thankful for you, even if we can't hold you in our arms until we reach heaven. You have made us want to be better and do better. Thank you for choosing us as your family and letting us love you and grow from your perfect example. You are a part of our family, now and forever.

Love you like crazy, my baby,

Mommy