Dear Baby Gabe,

It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that you had returned to live with our Heavenly Father. It's a day I'll never forget-8/9/10. That morning when your sister, Skylar, saw the date she remarked about what a neat date is was. I told it would be so cool to be born that day and remarked that maybe something cool would happen that day that we'd remember. A few hours later, as the Dr. searched for your heartbeat, the date and that conversation kept pounding in my head. I didn't want to remember that date as the one that my world came crashing down, but now I always will. I don't think life will ever be the same having gone through such immense a loss as you, my sweet baby. I miss you so, so much.

I've been thinking a lot about dates about you. I know the day I found out about you and heard your heartbeat for the first time, the day we found out you died, and the day your lifeless body was born, but I often wonder what day you actually died. The Dr. was never able to give me a definitive answer to the day you died, only that you were probably somewhere in the 16th week and you had been dead over a week once you were born at 19 weeks. I've been trying so hard to remember the last time I felt you move but I can't pinpoint a day. The night before we found out that you died, both Daddy and I were talking about you and he was holding onto my tummy and we both thought we felt you kick. I felt it and knew the feeling but Daddy was the one that commented on it. It was the first time he had felt you and we were both excited. But then the next day you were gone and the ultrasound said you had already been gone for awhile. I've been so confused about that. I remember my mom had always told me that she felt your Aunt Mary Gwen moving the day before she was born still, but the Drs had told her that she had also been dead for awhile. It doesn't make any sense and it makes me wonder if it's possible for your spirit to go back in your body for just one last kick, maybe like a goodbye kick. It sounds completely crazy, I know, but it really makes me wonder and I wish I could ask you.

I miss those little flutters and kicks from you, little one. It made me so happy to feel you moving in my tummy. I felt you pretty early, especially since you're my fifth and I knew what it felt like, and for that I am so thankful. It gave me more time to connect and bond with you. It gave me more time to feel your busy little body moving away. It gave me many happy days feeling you always with me. I remember the first day we heard your heartbeat and you were moving all over the place. You were busy. I imagine that's how you are now-busy. Busy doing the Lord's work on the other side of the veil, where you were needed more than you were needed here, as much as I miss you and need you too. You will always be a part of me though. There's a place in my heart that is holding you here with me now and forever. I love you, my sweet, precious boy. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy.

Lots and lots of love,
Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

Daddy & I had an awful night last night. I don't want to complain anymore because it just doesn't help, but let's just say we were miserable with the stupid things we have to go through sometimes. I could sit all day and complain and yet I'll still have to experience all of these mortal things on a day to day basis. I wish that I could just complain to Heavenly Father and that He'd make them stop or just give us a break for a bit from them. But He doesn't work that way and complaining won't stop them, even though it feels good to get things off my chest sometimes. I was thinking today about all the awful that we continually face in this life and it made me so grateful that you don't have to ever do this.

There's a song by Ben Folds that talks about how awful it is to grow up and how as parents we have to watch our poor kids suffer through the hardships of it, knowing that it will get worse. It's so hard, as a parent, to see your children in pain. Today Nick told me of some girls at recess that just kept teasing him. Now I know that girls that tease at that age just probably want his attention because he's so darn cute, but he doesn't know that. All he knows is that they won't stop bugging him. It made me sad to talk about how frustrated he was. I wish I could protect him from all the frustrations and pains he will face, but I can't. All I can do is to teach him to do his best and to treat others with kindness. He will have pain, even sometimes severe heart-wrenching pain, and that's just a part of this growth process we call life.

You my sweet boy, will not have this. You were too perfect to have to face these trials and pains. You didn't need them to grow into the wonderful spirit that you are. If a mother could ever give a gift to their child it would be that they wouldn't feel pain and so, even though I miss you, I am so glad I could help in giving you your physical body so you could move on without pain. You don't have to ever feel it again. I sometimes wonder if it hurt when you died. Your cord was so twisted when we saw it. Was it slow and painful for you? My heart hurts to think of you so tiny and innocent and hurting and I hope that it wasn't like that. I also wonder if it hurts for you to not have had this earthly life. Do you wish you had or did you choose to make it brief so you could get back to your work there in heaven? I have so many questions for you little boy. I can't wait to meet you again and just see how truly amazing you are. I love you, my precious baby.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

Today I went to the temple, all by myself, for the very first time...ever. Daddy always has gone with me in the past but I had a whole morning off while a friend watched your brother and sister and I knew it was where I needed to go. I'm having a hard time going to church these days and I don't feel much of the spirit when I go because I'm so overwhelmed with sorrow. I needed to have some peace today and the temple is the best place for that. I felt peace. I wish I could feel you by my side and I hope that if I go there that maybe I will some time.

I am so thankful for my testimony of the gospel. I know it's true. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that because of His atonement, that someday I will get to be with you. Without it, I would never be worthy enough to be with someone as perfect as you, my sweet boy. That's the reason I go to church, because as much as it hurts to be there, I know I have to do the hard things to be with you again. This last week was so hard. I came in to sit down in the chapel and right then I realized that there, in the row behind us, was a sweet little baby boy, all dressed in white, ready to be blessed. I wasn't prepared for it because it wasn't Fast Sunday. I immediately started to cry. I just couldn't handle it. My heart was literally aching and my head was pounding the entire meeting. In the last week or so, the baby boom that you were supposed to be born in has started. All of these babies that I had pictured you being friends with are making their debuts. I think there was supposed to be around 8 born between now and the time you're born. It's just so hard to be around them when I know you won't be joining them. It will be hard watching them grow up and seeing all the things they'll do and you won't. Sometimes I just want to pick up and move so I don't have to watch them and ache for you, but I know I'll still ache for you. I'm going to miss you so much until I see you again.

Today is your sister, Skylar's, birthday. She's turning 9. I can't believe it. I remember when Mommy & Daddy were trying so hard to have a baby and Skylar was just not coming! Heavenly Father had a plan for her too and she needed to be born when she was born but it was so frustrating. I remember looking at pregnant people then and just aching to be a mom. It's a different ache now. Now I know what I'm missing when I don't get to be your mom here on earth. Now I'm not just aching for any baby, I'm aching for my precious little Gabriel, who I came to love so much in those few weeks that we spent every minute together. I love you forever, sweet baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

This is your mommy. I miss you so, so much. I am thinking all day, every day about you. I read that maybe writing to you would help me to get through the enormous grief I feel now that you are with Heavenly Father and no longer with me. So, here we go. I guess I'll try it. I've thought about how I'd do this and decided to just put it on a blog, which for now I'll keep public, but that may change later. Some people tell me that reading about you has really helped them, so maybe this will too and maybe that will help me, but I guess I'll see how it goes.

I taught Joy school today. I'm not sure if I was ready, but I wanted to do it. I have to do things that keep me going or I just sit and miss you. I love Joy school too and love that I've been able to teach your brothers and sister about the joys we have in this world. I would've loved for you to be in Joy school too when it came your turn. I wish you could have experienced and known about the joys of this world, but I've heard that you know already. I've heard you're here, by my side, and so I guess you're able to see them too, but you probably have a much greater understanding than me. We learned about the joy of the Earth today, which is one of my very favorite joys. Thinking about this joy has helped me get through many days since you died. Whenever I see something in nature that is amazingly beautiful, I imagine how much more beautiful it is where you are and that makes me so happy for you.

I had a few minutes by myself today while Daddy drove home the other kids from Nick's soccer game and I drove his car. I used it to cry-the really, really hard cry that I reserve for when no one is around. I don't mind crying in front of the kids because I want them to know it's okay to miss you, but I save that really hard crying for when they aren't around because it even kind of scares me. But I needed to have a good cry, especially after sitting next to a pregnant lady and brand new itsy bitsy newborn at Nick's game. It's torture to have to do that. I just wish so much that you were still there in my belly and that seeing newborns reminded me of how much I had to look forward to when you came. I know I will see you again, but for now I miss you, my sweet baby boy, every second, every minute, and the waiting makes me ache. I love you so, so much.

Love,
Mommy