Dear Baby Gabe, August 12, 2011

Today was your 1^st birthday. It was such a bittersweet day. We decided that we’d spend today remembering that you lived and touched our lives instead of focusing on the fact that you didn’t get to stay long with us. You stayed as long as you needed to because you were just so perfect you didn’t need to stay any longer to prove to our Heavenly Father that you would be a valiant follower of Him. You have left an impression on our hearts forever.

There’s a quote that makes me think of you often. It says,

“There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”

You have touched our lives and I know that you have touched others’ lives. We asked our friends and family to celebrate your birthday by doing an act of kindness in your remembrance. We thought this was the perfect gift to you on your first birthday. We know that you are working hard to serve others on the other side of the veil and we wanted to help you on this side. I am so thankful for those that followed through to touch someone else’s life by remembering yours.

We have been working as a family to create a garden for you, sweet boy. Since we didn’t bury you, we’ve ached for a place to go remember you. We decided to turn the space between the trees we planted for you into a garden that could be that place. We’ve worked hard and had many ups and downs, but we were finally able to finish your garden just in time for your birthday. It is a beautiful spot and exactly what we needed. We put a swing there so that our family could sit in that swing in the beautiful outdoors and think of you and hopefully sometimes feel you near. As we’ve worked on your garden, we’ve seen swarms of dragonflies, the symbol of you, all around us. It has been such an exciting thing for your brothers and sisters.

Today we took your brothers and sisters to Build-a-Bear and finally built you the bear you were meant to have brought to you when you were born. It’s a family tradition for us to do that. Since you don’t need a bear we thought that maybe a bear for everyone to hug when we wanted to hug you would be a wonderful tangible way to remember you. The kids picked out a light green panda bear…light green because it’s your color, the color of your birthstone. The bear is special because it supports environmental efforts and we can now submit your name to have a tree planted in your honor. It was absolutely the best bear they could’ve picked for you…one that pays it forward. The rest of the day your brothers and sisters have cuddled that bear and hugged it with all of the hugs they couldn’t give you today. You are very loved by all of them.

Tonight we had a party for you. Your brothers and sisters insisted on it. They wanted a big party with lots of people, so that’s what we did. The turnout was astounding! We were so amazed at the love that was shown to us and to you by all that came to celebrate you even if you weren’t there.

Your daddy said some amazing words that I wish I had recorded. He talked about the day that you were born and how he held you in his hands and was in awe of your precious little body. He encouraged those there to take time to look at the handprints and footprints, molds, and your tiny blanket you were wrapped in so that they could see how amazing it was to see such a perfect body that you were given. He talked about remembering those loved ones of all of ours that are on the other side but still a part of our lives. Everything he said was just perfect. That daddy of yours loves you very much.

Afterwards we all got balloons and sang Happy Birthday to you and then released the balloons and watched them float to the skies. There were so many…it was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes to know that many people were there in your honor. You are an amazing boy.We then had cake and ice cream and lots of fun just talking and playing and enjoying the beautiful summer evening. Summer will always be your season, sweet boy.

Today was perfect for as bittersweet as it was. We are so thankful that we could celebrate your life little Gabriel. We are so thankful that your life is forever a part of ours now. We are thankful that you are part of our family for eternity and that we know we’ll see you again someday and get to celebrate with you then. I love you more than I have words to say. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. Happy Birthday my sweet angel boy!

Love, Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep this up. Sometimes I'm not sure if this helps, sometimes I think it does. It's a nice way to remember you, but like I ever forget you. You are always on my mind. Your due date was 5 days ago and you were born 5 months ago tonight. I can't believe that I've survived these last 5 months or even these last 5 days. The pain of knowing now that if things had been different, you'd be here in my arms is excruciating. I wish I was just getting to know you, counting those beautiful fingers and toes of yours, seeing that distinctive arch in your foot, seeing who you looked like (would your high cheek bones still be there? I imagine you looking like your dad because of those), smelling you, nursing you, cuddling you, seeing your daddy's proud look as he held you, watching your brothers and sisters in awe of you, completely loving you. The only thing I can do of those still is love you and I am doing that, so intensely. I love you so very much my sweet baby.

Sometimes I wish that if you had to go that I had had just a few moments with you alive. Just a few moments to hold you and feel you breathe, to feel your warmth, and treasure you...just a few moments. At the same time, I feel so very blessed because I did know you, even if it was only while you were still in my womb. I knew your kicks. I knew your heaviness. I knew you for those few weeks that you kept me awake with those little nudges....when I knew I was never alone....and I'm so thankful that I knew to treasure them then. I thought you were our last baby, so every moment with you was treasured. I cherished that I could feel you so early and fall in love with you so intensely from the beginning. Even though it was just your body, I am so thankful that I did get to see you and feel you in my arms. I can still feel that tiny weight of yours as you fit so perfectly in my hand. What a blessing it is as a mother of baby loss, to have gotten to know you even a little bit.

On your due date, we sent you notes on balloons. Now, I know heaven is not above us, but really all around us, but I think it helped your sisters and brothers to get to send those skyward symbolically to you. Nick wrote: "I was so excited to meet you. I can't believe you're not coming." I have the same thoughts. It just doesn't seem believable that you are not here when you were so longed for, so wanted, and the anticipation of you brought so much joy to our family. It seems so cruel and unfair that I'll have this intense longing for you that never can be filled in this life. I can't wait for the day when I see you again and get to keep you and know you even more. Oh it can't come soon enough.

I love you baby boy. I know you know that. I know you're here with me on the hardest days. I wish I could feel you all of the time. Please keep watching over us every day and giving me those hugs I need so badly, even if I don't feel them. I miss you so very much. XOXO

Love,
Your mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

Four months ago today we found out that you had died-the very worst day of my life. I miss you, little one. I wish you were coming still. I love you so very much.

Love, Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

I've been missing you, like always. It's been a rough couple of weeks, hitting the 3 month mark, and all. I've been wanting to write but I've just been feeling so tired again. I've been sick again too. I guess that's a grief thing. I seem to pick up every little bug these days. I just don't feel like I have the energy to fight things off anymore. I don't have the energy to do much, but I'm trying.

Three months was a hard one. I had read it was. It's the time when other people stop thinking about you. I feel like everyone just assumes that I've moved on, that I'm okay. That just because I can function these days, it means that everything is back to normal. Someone actually said to me the other day, "You're still depressed about this?" OH! MY! GOSH! Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? My baby that I should still have in my womb is now gone. Why wouldn't I still be depressed about that? Your due date hasn't even come and yet people expect me to be over this. Well, I'm not. I am still sad, sweet baby. I'm still depressed and devastated and traumatized. I still ache for you every minute and I just know I'm going to have that aching for you every day of my life. I will love you every day of my life so I will miss you every day of my life. That is totally okay with me. I love you so much and will never forget you.

I have decided something in this last month. I've decided that I don't want to just be sad all of the time. I really want to heal from this, but it's kind of up to me to do it. I know that's what you'd want, baby, for me to find a way back to happiness again. The other day I did something that people have been telling me to do...I held a newborn baby. Oh, it was so hard, but so good at the same time. You were the last newborn baby that I held, and I hated to let that go. The baby I held was a rainbow baby, a baby that had been born after two miscarriages. I felt that it was the perfect baby for me to hold, and it was. He brought me hope knowing how happy I could see his mommy finally with a baby in her arms after having such sadness. I hope that I can feel happy again like that someday. I wonder if you're in heaven right now preparing your little brother or sister to come to join our family. We're hoping and praying for that. We'll always, always miss you, baby boy, but know that another baby will help us find some happiness again.

I did something else that was a big step for me. I shared my pictures of you on my other blog (I'll do it here too). Well, one picture of you. That picture with your perfect tiny little feet. That's the picture of you that I love. It reminds me of just how wonderful it was to hold you in my arms, even if it was just your body, and your sweet spirit was already gone. I've been looking for the perfect frame to put that picture in. I also shared your tiny little handprints and footprints. They are so sweet, little one. I love the little unique ridges in them that show how perfectly special and unique you are. I ordered a necklace for myself with them on it. I was hesitant to do this because I thought it may make other people uncomfortable to see me wearing it. But I don't care if it does, because having something symbolic of you close to me brings me comfort.

I've also been trying this month to feel gratitude. We have our little thankful tree that we write down everybody's thankful for the day and put on our tree. It's been good for our family to remember all of the things we're thankful for, especially when we're missing you. Every day, Alexis's first answer is babies. She is so thankful for babies. It breaks my heart a little each day knowing that she doesn't get to have her little brother here, but we are thankful that you are still a part of our family. Everyone has put you on the tree, sweet baby. You are so loved. We are so thankful for you, even if we can't hold you in our arms until we reach heaven. You have made us want to be better and do better. Thank you for choosing us as your family and letting us love you and grow from your perfect example. You are a part of our family, now and forever.

Love you like crazy, my baby,

Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

Tonight I am missing you sooooooooo much. What else is new? I wish you were here, kicking me and making me feel quite uncomfortable. I would treasure it. I love you sweet one.

Love, Mommy

Dear Baby Gabe,

Today, I've missed you incredibly. It's funny how it hits like that. The last week has been okay and it was really helpful for us to remember you. On Worldwide Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day we picked out some trees for you and lit a candle to remember you. It made me feel good to finally do something for you. I guess since we didn't bury you, it's been hard to think that we've honored your little life much. I'm so sorry baby. I feel guilty about it all of the time. I have wanted to do something that seemed right. Planting those trees seemed right. It has already brought me great comfort to look out the window at them and think of you. It's made me actually want to open the window when I haven't wanted to do that for months.

Last night we were working on an 'About Me' project for Kade and looking through his old baby pictures. It literally made my arms ache for you seeing how much he's grown up and knowing you wouldn't be coming right along behind. I was so excited to have a baby boy again. It seems like Nick's and Kade's baby days are so blended and I felt so frazzled that I didn't get a chance to savor their boyness. I love my girls but I've always wanted lots of boys. I really was looking forward to just loving every minute of it with you. I knew from the very beginning that you'd be a boy. I've never felt that so much when I was pregnant with your sisters and brothers. Maybe it was so that I could know you sooner since I wouldn't have you as long. I like to think that Heavenly Father gave that knowledge as a gift to help me bond instantly with you and know you were meant to be mine.

I've been struggling with that knowledge-knowing you were supposed to be ours. Out of all of our children, you were the one that we had to actually make a decision of whether we'd have you and add another baby to our family. We had always planned on having at least 4 kids so the first 4 were just a given because they were part of the plan. We were always open to more though and when we started feeling like we wanted another in our family, we had to really decide if it was right and part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. We really pondered and prayed and felt it was. We felt you were supposed to join us and then when you did, we felt like everything was going just as it needed to. You were supposed to be a part of our family. I know you still are, but it just seems so unfair that you're not here when we felt so much like you were supposed to be with us, here, now. I don't understand it at all and pray that someday I'll get all of the answers.

So tonight I've been missing you, especially physically. I've been feeling all sorts of empty, even when I have your brothers and sisters here. I know I should be grateful that I have them and I am, but at the same time, I want you so badly that the empty feeling doesn't go away. It's just not you that I have, here kicking away in my belly, like you're supposed to be doing. I miss your kicks. I miss your heaviness. I miss all the yuckiness that meant you were on your way. I just miss you baby boy, so, so much.

Love you forever,
Mommy

Dear Baby,

I am missing you so much. I was just trying to cry myself to sleep but it's not working, so even though it's almost 2 am, I decided I should just get up & at least let your daddy get some sleep. Today is two months since the day you were born. I don't know what to think of it. Usually a 2 month old is getting to the very best time (heck, it's always the best time)-they are recognizing your face, cooing, holding their heads up, starting to sleep through the night and giving you the most wonderful thing...their first smiles. It's one of my very favorite stages. You know, I don't want you to be there though. I want you to be where you're supposed to be-in my tummy, growing, getting stronger every day, growing your soft black curly (I imagined) hair, getting chubby, and kicking me like crazy. I would be entering the third trimester this week and just gearing up for all the fun to come. That's where I want you to be, sweet baby, still on your way, but I know that you are where you're supposed to be.

I've been sick the last week-really, really sick & in a lot of pain. I had to take some really strong pain pills but my heart still hurt. My heart still ached. My heart still felt like it was literally breaking. When does this hurt stop? People keep telling me it does. I've seen others that have lost their babies and they seem to be okay. I know I don't know what they are feeling, but I feel like I am aching so much more for you than they seem to be. The thing is that I know where you are. I know you are happy there. I know you are with the other sweet angels that I love so much, like your aunt and cousin. I know this, so why can't my happiness for you overcome the sadness I feel that you're not here with me?

You know what hurts the most? It's only been two months and no one wants to talk about you. Well, there's a few, so I shouldn't say no one. Your daddy will talk to me. Your brothers and sisters will talk to me. I have a couple of friends that will. But mostly everyone won't. I talked with a good friend today and brought you up at least five times. She changed the subject every time. Not once did she talk about you and it stung every time she changed the subject. You are my son. You are my sweet baby boy and I love you and I want to scream to the world that I miss you and love you and yet I feel I can't, because no one will listen. I feel so alone. It's when I feel this way though that I turn to my Heavenly Father. I don't feel Him much right now, but I know He's there. I know He's listening. Believe me, He's getting an earful. But I know He cares about me and He cares about you. He loves both of us and He understands how very, very much I love you. I think that is one of the greatest gifts of motherhood, that you can get a glimpse of how much our Heavenly Father loves His children. He has a plan for us, sweet baby Gabriel. That plan includes a lot of hurt, but it's our plan. You needed your body and you got it-that perfectly formed tiny body that I got to hold in my arms just two months ago. I am greatly anticipating the day I get to hold you in my arms again. I have to remind myself that I'm two months closer to that too. Happy 2nd month birthday, baby boy! I love you and miss you!!

Love you, love you, love you,

Mommy